pondering

it has been brought to my attention that i bitch in my blog. i do. that is correct. but why? do we blog about things we feel unable to communicate in any other way? it has also been noted that people speak of God more in blogs. does this fall in the same category? for me, i think, yes. i blog when something is running through my head over and over. once i write it down it's gone. like venting to 7 people about the same injustice that was dealt you on the road this morning. (i think this is more of a girl thing) if i bitched to my friends as much as i bitch blog...... that would be tiresome. to everyone. plus, the random nonsense that floats around in my brain would be gibberish if spoken. only my sisters would get it. it's mostly lines from movies. as a side note... i totally thought gibberish was spelled jibberish

grammar annoyances

really people? *your just lucky*? COME ON!! you're is for you are. your is for owning something. it's truly not that hard. same with there, their and they're. or were and we're. an apostrophe means there are 2 words. 2. can you count? can you?

head wars

i cannot stop this war going on in my brain. or my heart. who knows. i feel anger. sadness. peace. happiness. contentment. annoyance. all the things that have happened and changed since the accident are very conflicting to me. i should be thrilled about things that are bugging the crap out of me. i should be soo angry about others and i am. i should WANT to move fwd in relationships. be it with God or any one else. and still i hold back. i feel closer to certain people and so much farther away from others. i feel tired. and worn out. and done.

my (momentary) return to the superficial

disclaimer: do not read this if you will be offended by my lack of meaningful subjects. i need to be superficial and semi-normal for just a moment.
ok. i ordered my chickens. i'm soo excited! i just hope joe can get that coop built on time. they are supposed to be here the week of sept 15th. so he has plenty of time but that means nothing around here. :) i am watching true blood (season 2 episode 4) and really want to know what the heck maryann is. omg. how weird is she? i'm also reading the books (book 1) and tara is nowhere in the book. umm... who does maryann seduce if there is no tara? i sliced a chunk out of my finger the other day picking up washcloths from my shower. so dumb. there was a razor under the washcloths. my thumb got all jacked up and i was unable to text properly for a day or so. the things that bug me..... i really need new shampoo. this crap i have been using is not doing a thing. my bangs look awful! my straightener (just remembered it is plugged in oops) is crap as well. want a chi. too much money. don 't even get me started on money!! i haven't seen tammy in what seems like weeks. homeschooling does that to people. i ate like crap for almost a month and didn't go to the gym and still didn't gain any weight. good thing right? well....kinda negates me even bothering to go if i am staying the same weight all the time. i really want to prune my trees but the pruning book says not to do it till winter. but, but, i'm ready now! i hate having my period. it so sucks. i always forget how tired it makes me feel. i convinced little punk's mom to cut her hair and she was right.....it does grow really fast! i promised to keep up with it. what did i get myself into!? my boys are insane. they cling and say goodbye 50 times before actually leaving me. they have no true reason to be insecure. argh. yes i said argh. my heartburn is returning. i think the gym does that to me too. besides making me hungry and tired. why do i go again? my basement is in shambles and i truly do not care. it's more of a kids' space anyway. i don't want to cook chicken and dumplings tonight. even though that does sound really good. i'm going to lunch with my mom-in-law today. a good thing. chilis~ fajitas or burger? hmm....
ok i rambled sufficiently. oh one more thing. why can't mothers of elementary kids learn to drive!

sorrow

i woke up really happy today and felt guilt for not being sad. of course i'm sad, but i had a great start to the day. then we went to church and the sermon was on getting out of your comfort zone to share the gospel of Jesus. it hit me that my brother shared the gospel so clearly at his daughter's funeral. she was his comfort! it's so incredibly sorrowful that his wonderful, precious daughter died and through her death so many hundreds of people were drawn closer to God. if, on the friday we got the phone call, she had been found safe like we all were praying; nothing would have changed in any of our hearts. i would still be debating on whether or not to make my kids go to church, he would still be angry and far away, she would have immense bitterness, he would not be searching, those hundreds of people who saw the service would not have heard the gospel in such a clear, defined way. it's so frustratingly comforting that ashley is being used (sounds horrible) in this amazing way. i know God is using her death for good things. why oh why couldn't it have been something else!? i argue within myself all the time that my hope in Christ is wrong ~ maybe not wrong but just not completely right~ if it isn't then my niece's death was completely usless. and the thousands of martyrs for God died for nothing as well. i would rather have hope than nothing.

wish i didn't have these

these horrible dreams are causing me to sleep in a very tense manner. i do not like them. i wake up completely frazzled and unaware of my surroundings. my back is sore and my hands are clenched. even with ambien this is happening. ambien AND alcohol. i want this to stop.

change

things are changing around here. he is changing. we are changing. it's good. came from something awful. turned into good.