sorrow

i woke up really happy today and felt guilt for not being sad. of course i'm sad, but i had a great start to the day. then we went to church and the sermon was on getting out of your comfort zone to share the gospel of Jesus. it hit me that my brother shared the gospel so clearly at his daughter's funeral. she was his comfort! it's so incredibly sorrowful that his wonderful, precious daughter died and through her death so many hundreds of people were drawn closer to God. if, on the friday we got the phone call, she had been found safe like we all were praying; nothing would have changed in any of our hearts. i would still be debating on whether or not to make my kids go to church, he would still be angry and far away, she would have immense bitterness, he would not be searching, those hundreds of people who saw the service would not have heard the gospel in such a clear, defined way. it's so frustratingly comforting that ashley is being used (sounds horrible) in this amazing way. i know God is using her death for good things. why oh why couldn't it have been something else!? i argue within myself all the time that my hope in Christ is wrong ~ maybe not wrong but just not completely right~ if it isn't then my niece's death was completely usless. and the thousands of martyrs for God died for nothing as well. i would rather have hope than nothing.