things i like. a list to remind me.

my kids

reading

coffee

sleep

dancing

book club

good food

sunshine

clean sheets

feeling accomplished

my sisters

my mom

my friends

showers

clean hair

thursday dinners

my job....mostly

grape juice

pm

wine

a clean house

good movies

dvr

pjs

fresh eggs

photos

my incredible vacuum cleaner

fresh air

the smell of rain

new possibilities

33. dang-it

i'm supposed to be somewhere right now. i don't want to be there. so i am here. at home. debating on weather i should go super late or not at all. my upcoming week is full with things i want to do. and the week after that. i'm looking fwd to all of those things. i'm dressed and i have a gift and i don't need gas. the kids are playing nicely. joe is working. the house is picked up and semi-clean. i have no excuse except i don't want to go. and being 33 don't i have the right to NOT go somewhere merely bc i don't want to go?? i think the answer is yes. it's not a family thing. maybe 2 people will notice i'm not there. and i can see those 2 people soon. i have decided. i am staying home. and i am happy with that decision.

cleanliness.......or lack thereof.

i helped a friend move last week and sent myself into a tiny panic about moving myself. all their stuff was moved in 3 trips in a couple suv's and the leftover-ness in the house was not at all filthy. i went home from said move and looked at my stuff with a movers eyes. O.M.G. first, we have too much stuff. second, all around and under the stuff is gross and dirty. like behind the stove. ew. the light fixtures in the bathrooms. whoa. the need to repaint EVERY SINGLE wall!!? see, tiny panic. i moved a pan that i hadn't used in months and it was icky. very icky. the cookbooks are dusty and it's the sticky dust of the kitchen (please tell me you know about the sticky kitchen dust). the baseboards are in desperate of washing. and i JUST did that! then yesterday, i went to a friend's apartment to watch a movie. oh~ her place was immaculate. she had no clutter. no nasty kitchen sticky dust. no dog hair....anywhere. i had envy. i also have children. and dogs. and 9 years worth of living in this place. it's the longest i have lived anywhere as an adult. i DO spring clean. and fall clean. and full fledge clean often. you can't tell though.........

sundays

i think i figured out why i don't like sundays. it's my day off, which i love, but i sit and look around at everything that needs to be done. i have no motivation to do such things. i'm tired. and i would like to sleep. or read...... preferably in the sun. or perhaps hang out with the kids, somewhere NOT at home. i truly don't know how working moms do this. does everyone have a cleaning lady? or someone that grocery shops for them? oh i know, they take Ritalin. i should get me some of that. maybe i need less stuff. but wait, it's not the stuff that is overwhelming. it's the laundry and dishes and groceries and the constant need for attention from the 4 other people who live here. and all the papers (oh my, there are lots of papers) from school. there is that pesky lawn to water (sprinklers are still busted) and the basement to reorganize (the desk moving extravaganza did a number to the rest of the downstairs) oh yes, the bathrooms need to be cleaned. i should probably get off the computer.

lack of communication

there are certain people in my life that i cannot communicate properly with. (with whom i cannot communicate) i think i'm allowed to use prepositions at the end of a sentence now. i digress. there are also times when i seem unable to get my point across. no matter how i try i am unable to just SAY what i want to say. could that be attributed to the time of the month? full moon? lack of carbs in my diet? the times, yes. the people......sigh heavily. i am not one to mince words. you all know this. so why can't i just talk to these people? is it fear that causes me to shut up? pride? a lovely mixture of the two? am i really 33 and still having issues like this? when does the adult gene kick in?

oh, btw. i will be blogging more.

a touch sad

the kids got out of bed late last night and they asked for daddy 1st. kinda killed me. they are now more used to him being the main parent than me. i don't love it. i love my new schedule which allows me to be here for dinner and bedtime every night but when i am here i'm tired. you know, bc of the 4 a.m awakenings. my days off are spent catching up on all the shit that needs to be done around here. i started taking iron supplements. maybe that will help.

intelligence....

sometimes i feel dumb. ok, not dumb, but just not smart. there are many, many things i don't know or care to know about. and sometimes my lack of interest in these subjects reveals itself in other areas of my life. hence the dumbness.

examples...... politics. i so don't care. i realize i *should* care. but i just don't. i tried a few times to make myself read up on stuff and to verbalize my opinions but it just never stuck. eventually, i lost interest, again, and went back to reading historical novels. this creates a problem when everyone around you starts discussing politics. i have nothing to say. like NOTHING. it's not like i don't have opinions and political views. i just choose to care so little about them that it feels like i'm not all that bright in that subject. give me a minute to talk about racial issues, adoption or passive aggressive behavior and i'll pipe right up.

another example, math. wow. i am bad at math. and i don't mind. until i have to help my 5th grader with fractions and such. such being the key word. i truly didn't pay attention in math. i like calculators. i also like grammar. spelling and punctuation (duh) i really don't care about. but please, oh please, learn how to use their, there and they're.

i'm also not very knowledgeable when it comes to being girlie. i can't fix my hair to save my life. my makeup routine is minimal, at best. i didn't pierce my ears till i was 30. i don't play the silly girl games that most girls seem to excel in. i'm REALLY good at crying but just not at the right times. i can't even think of other girl things to be bad at. that says something. i think.

spacial things. no clue. i have no idea how far away 40 yards is compared to well, anything. i can't estimate the size of anything. this might have something to do with the math issue.

i have more examples. but i'm choosing not to discuss anymore of them.

i DO know about some things though. like kids and flower gardens and color combinations and books and strange methods for healing neck aches. i can build a decent retaining wall and crate train any dog. i'm pretty good at word searches. i love, love delving into why some people act the way they do. i know where you can get a decent dresser for super cheap and which goodwill has the best books. oh, and i can make a damn good latte.

parenting differences

in the three hours i have been home from work: lawn mowed. and watered. laundry switched....twice. kitchen cleaned. dog poop picked up. basement picked up. library books found and collected. kids playing battleship or reading. three phone calls made. emails returned. texting nonstop. gifts researched but not purchased. camera downloaded and photos attempting to upload. wine consumed. need more.

big freaking baby

i actually threw a fit today. a full fledged fit. i stomped my feet and whined. i REALLY didn't want to work out. but, the laundry was going, kids were peaceful, and the dog poop clean up was even lower on the list. plus it was cold out. i know that in 4 months when i'm basking on the beach i will regret not working out every single day. but right now, i'm content with my delightful coffee and excessive use of facebook. i really want some of those weighted sneakers so i can pretend to work out all the time. they make your ass hot. the commercials say so. after my fit, and my explanation to my 6yr old about my fit, i did work out. legs. it sucked. i feel fabulous. i hate that. i have no excuse, truly i don't. i just stomped my foot again.

lots and lots

i was walking around this morning looking for crap to throw away. i found lots. the trash guy comes tomorrow so the kids will never know *evil chuckle* i also noticed that if we ever have to move in the near future i am screwed! i have lots of stuff like books and books and pjs and books but they aren't strew about. joe has papers. and notebooks. and more papers. what the hell does one do with all the papers? seriously, hiring a dumpster. knowing my luck we will get audited moments after the dumpster has disappeared with all the papers. i'm moving to mexico.

hmmmm

i'm already looking at flights for pa this summer. i miss summer. i miss tan legs. strappy sandals. skimpy dresses. flip flops. the smell of dirt. and grass. i feel like a caged chicken. yes, a chicken. this is what i deal with so this will be the example.

waiting...

it feels like my winter is spent waiting. for school to end. for the meat to thaw. for joe to get home. for friday. for someone to play their freaking turn on wordscraper. for book club. for motivation. for the laundry pile to be big enough to force me to do laundry. for summer. for my garden. oh my garden. i made a list of things to do in the garden during the end of winter. i can't do anything till march. so now i'm waiting till march. argh.

i need projects. that are free.

grumble..work...complain

i need a job. at night. it sucks but something must be done. side work won't pay the bills. neither will painting my mom's basement. as much as i love doing that...... i have the best daycare kid EVER so i don't really want to try getting more. that is always more hassle than it's worth. think starbucks would be nice. serving is for the young and much more motivated. plus i don't think i could handle all the drama. i could do a night shift somewhere. i would stock the crap out of those shelves! but, oh, my sleep! my precious, precious sleep! i truly am the biggest baby.