why i had to go out dressed like this......

the cold water in my bathroom decided not to work last night. so i had to bathe in the hall bath where none of my shampoo is. yes, i could have, and should have, taken my stuff from the other bathroom, but alas, i am lazy. today while attempting to not have an emotional crisis over nothing, i was actually doing my hair. turns out, i should have washed it not only yesterday but any of the previous 4 days. ick. my hair looked wet. it wasn't. i tried the trick of powder on the roots. sooo........makeup powder doesn't work the same as baby powder. now my hair looked wet and tan. i tried to find a hat~ nothin. this lovely do-rag (this is what we call them) was going to have to be my adornment for the rest of the day. i went to lunch w joe, to the chef outlet store, the dutch bakery, the feed store, a fly fishing store, a music store, hobby lobby, the salvation army and my kids' school with a do-rag on my head. my mother would be so proud.

also, i had the paris hilton sunglasses on all day too!

a bit disheartening

so i was watching tv last night and one of the characters was outside with a cup of coffee. someone screamed from the side "this woman is still breathing!" and he dropped his coffee and ran to help. here's the sad part~ i knew as i was watching that i would have looked for a place to *set* my coffee down THEN run over to help the lady. is this the semi-clean girl in me or the ultra-selfish beeotch? if it was indoors i think i could pawn off this behavior to not wanting to make a mess on the floor. but it was outside! who cares?! apparently i do, about my coffee! i figure that i at least recognized my selfishness and can change it? maybe? hopefully? ok, seriously, did i just blog about a tv scene?

things that are annoying~ a partial list

being sick
people who don't answer txts
people who *always* have something to say
kids who whine
parents who overreact
not knowing the rules to a game
paint that chips
grocery shopping
cloudy days that should know better
not being able to hear out of an ear
balloon boy's parents
neighbors who steal leaves
Christmas shopping without money
lack of laundry baskets
crappy books
not having batteries
neighbors who put up stupid signs
wounds that refuse to heal
being a girl
having to drive to denver to get a decent haircut
bills
more bills
the urge to complain about everything in an attempt to feel better

so..

i love fall. the trees take my breath away. they are so gorgeous. i miss the reds of the east coast but, man, the yellow is amazing. the smells and sounds of fall are so wonderful. i like wearing jeans and flip flops. i like being slightly cold at night and snuggling up in my pooffy blankets. i like that i don't *have* to water my lawn but can if i *want* to. i love that my sister works at starbucks and she brings me yummy drinks that are warm and delicious. that's not just a fall thing... but you know.

deeda

sundays are fat days. always. i can always count on my room being a disaster when i get home from church. i truly do not understand why nothing fits on sunday mornings. the jeans that were fabulous the night before now have some strange issue around the thigh area. the adorable top now looks a bit LESS adorable. skirts hug where they should never hug when just a few days ago it looked so *cute*. not my favorite body image day. i make the fat noise most of the day. those of you that have been blessed with hearing that noise........you're welcome. my shoes are my only saving grace. i do love my shoes. i ended up with jeans and some (default) black shirt today, but the shoes! black and white polka dot 3 inch heels. love them! they made everything better. they truly did.

pondering

it has been brought to my attention that i bitch in my blog. i do. that is correct. but why? do we blog about things we feel unable to communicate in any other way? it has also been noted that people speak of God more in blogs. does this fall in the same category? for me, i think, yes. i blog when something is running through my head over and over. once i write it down it's gone. like venting to 7 people about the same injustice that was dealt you on the road this morning. (i think this is more of a girl thing) if i bitched to my friends as much as i bitch blog...... that would be tiresome. to everyone. plus, the random nonsense that floats around in my brain would be gibberish if spoken. only my sisters would get it. it's mostly lines from movies. as a side note... i totally thought gibberish was spelled jibberish

grammar annoyances

really people? *your just lucky*? COME ON!! you're is for you are. your is for owning something. it's truly not that hard. same with there, their and they're. or were and we're. an apostrophe means there are 2 words. 2. can you count? can you?

head wars

i cannot stop this war going on in my brain. or my heart. who knows. i feel anger. sadness. peace. happiness. contentment. annoyance. all the things that have happened and changed since the accident are very conflicting to me. i should be thrilled about things that are bugging the crap out of me. i should be soo angry about others and i am. i should WANT to move fwd in relationships. be it with God or any one else. and still i hold back. i feel closer to certain people and so much farther away from others. i feel tired. and worn out. and done.

my (momentary) return to the superficial

disclaimer: do not read this if you will be offended by my lack of meaningful subjects. i need to be superficial and semi-normal for just a moment.
ok. i ordered my chickens. i'm soo excited! i just hope joe can get that coop built on time. they are supposed to be here the week of sept 15th. so he has plenty of time but that means nothing around here. :) i am watching true blood (season 2 episode 4) and really want to know what the heck maryann is. omg. how weird is she? i'm also reading the books (book 1) and tara is nowhere in the book. umm... who does maryann seduce if there is no tara? i sliced a chunk out of my finger the other day picking up washcloths from my shower. so dumb. there was a razor under the washcloths. my thumb got all jacked up and i was unable to text properly for a day or so. the things that bug me..... i really need new shampoo. this crap i have been using is not doing a thing. my bangs look awful! my straightener (just remembered it is plugged in oops) is crap as well. want a chi. too much money. don 't even get me started on money!! i haven't seen tammy in what seems like weeks. homeschooling does that to people. i ate like crap for almost a month and didn't go to the gym and still didn't gain any weight. good thing right? well....kinda negates me even bothering to go if i am staying the same weight all the time. i really want to prune my trees but the pruning book says not to do it till winter. but, but, i'm ready now! i hate having my period. it so sucks. i always forget how tired it makes me feel. i convinced little punk's mom to cut her hair and she was right.....it does grow really fast! i promised to keep up with it. what did i get myself into!? my boys are insane. they cling and say goodbye 50 times before actually leaving me. they have no true reason to be insecure. argh. yes i said argh. my heartburn is returning. i think the gym does that to me too. besides making me hungry and tired. why do i go again? my basement is in shambles and i truly do not care. it's more of a kids' space anyway. i don't want to cook chicken and dumplings tonight. even though that does sound really good. i'm going to lunch with my mom-in-law today. a good thing. chilis~ fajitas or burger? hmm....
ok i rambled sufficiently. oh one more thing. why can't mothers of elementary kids learn to drive!

sorrow

i woke up really happy today and felt guilt for not being sad. of course i'm sad, but i had a great start to the day. then we went to church and the sermon was on getting out of your comfort zone to share the gospel of Jesus. it hit me that my brother shared the gospel so clearly at his daughter's funeral. she was his comfort! it's so incredibly sorrowful that his wonderful, precious daughter died and through her death so many hundreds of people were drawn closer to God. if, on the friday we got the phone call, she had been found safe like we all were praying; nothing would have changed in any of our hearts. i would still be debating on whether or not to make my kids go to church, he would still be angry and far away, she would have immense bitterness, he would not be searching, those hundreds of people who saw the service would not have heard the gospel in such a clear, defined way. it's so frustratingly comforting that ashley is being used (sounds horrible) in this amazing way. i know God is using her death for good things. why oh why couldn't it have been something else!? i argue within myself all the time that my hope in Christ is wrong ~ maybe not wrong but just not completely right~ if it isn't then my niece's death was completely usless. and the thousands of martyrs for God died for nothing as well. i would rather have hope than nothing.

wish i didn't have these

these horrible dreams are causing me to sleep in a very tense manner. i do not like them. i wake up completely frazzled and unaware of my surroundings. my back is sore and my hands are clenched. even with ambien this is happening. ambien AND alcohol. i want this to stop.

change

things are changing around here. he is changing. we are changing. it's good. came from something awful. turned into good.

enter the bipolar queen.

i am a mess. yesterday i was happy and spunky and annoying; one little comment sent me over the edge into tears and self pity. then everything was making me cry. and it wouldn't stop no matter how much beef jerky i ate. dumb. got home, was about to go to bed and somehow was convinced that going to a carnival would be great fun. it was. i was happy and spunky and annoying. then i puked. today, i have a headache.

oh yeah baby

whole ambien at 1030. slept like i was dead. i love it.

sleep

i can't sleep without meds. it makes me kinda sad. i'm soo tired. i'm going to my moms today to pawn the kids off. i'm bringing a book. what i think would make more sense is if i would just go to bed at a normal hour and take the damn pills. for some reason i think staying up will make me more tired and then it's too late to take a pill so i go to bed. and NOT sleep. i might cry today.

realized

i so do not give a DAMN about politics.

summer

i never have any clue what day it is. i am burnt. i haven't done laundry in days. my garden is gorgeous. i found a swim suit that looks decent. i am wearing skirts and tank tops. i love summer.

boobs

i know. i paid for them, i should be happy. they are much better than they were. but OMG these things are huge! i saw them in a picture. not great. (taking pictures for workout purposes) the surgeon made them 2x bigger than i wanted and they are crooked. but, as a side note. i also looked at the before pictures. those were uber nasty. ok. done venting. now i will go about my day.

ugh

i hate being so affected by the weather

clean

mabel told me the other day that *it's so nice to have clean stuff* this was after i spent 4 hours cleaning her room and while i was gutting the van. i tend to agree. it is nice to live in clean spaces.

kids and the stuff

so i want to make the kids clean their rooms and have less stuff. but my house is full of my stuff. why can't the kids have their own stuff. why should i be the one to tell them that the rock collection they started 2 years ago is not precious and needs to be thrown outside. or all the countless magazine and calenders they save. do i need to be the one who throws those away? my usual technique is to put stuff in boxes in the garage for a month. if they don't ask about it then it goes to goodwill. it seems to work. i just have to somehow sneak everything into the garage. i go back and forth about letting them be their own people or forcing them to fit into my box of semi-cleanliness. i have a ton of books. i mean a ton. if joe made me throw some away i would be crushed and quite pissed. when i get sick of looking at certain things i get rid of them but it's all on my own timetable. if certain people had their way in my house it would be overhauled~ taking 2 dumpsters. i might do the closed door technique for a few more weeks.

mornings

it's rainy and foggy this morning and i actually love it. some days just need to be gray. it's my kids' last day of school. i'm so excited! i think more than they are. my coffee is so good today. my garden looks amazing. my back is killing me. i might have to cave and spend money on the chiro. i am having no coherent thoughts. tons of stuff racing through my head with no actual sentence structure to them. think that means i'm done here.

lost wheel

i am on the wagon. it's just a wheel busted off and it's making it hard to travel. my schedule got all messed up this past week. the russians and conferences and field trips and lack of sleep. i can't seem to get 2 hours in a row to go to the gym. i had 9 kids in my driveway yesterday eating ice cream. Seven at the park. everyone congregates in my yard. in 2 weeks it will just be my kids and devyn. my perfect little family :) i can't wait. we can go to the park and the pool and to grammas. this funky schedule is killing me. some kids come at 10 some at 1240. leave at 2 oh wait how about 4. pick up, drop off, talk to teachers, go to presentations...blah blah. i want to have my non-schedule. sit, read, garden, swim, park, sit, etc...

ha

joe told me to read the paper so i can have an intelligent conversation. i don't think i have those. unless it's via facebook or txt. even then not so bright.

blabber

the snow is pretty. don't love that it's april but ok. i saw my sister in speech today. she is awesome! i ate too many cheese things and i am feeling quite ill. when will i ever learn? i think my kids have watched way too much tv already this weekend. i wish certian people didn't work so early on saturdays. i wonder if they will cancel super saturday b/c of the snow. i wonder how i will know if they cancel. ok i found the paper. i'm pretty proud of myself for keeping that paper. i cannot wait for school to be done. 25 more days. so glad. i believe i am going out tomorrow night. this scratch on my boob really hurts. dumb. i think i may head to the gym. on a friday night. yip- freaking- yee. i lead a charmed life.

no one said i was smart

i used wart freezer on something that is not a wart. it hurts. a lot.

dumb food

i'm only supposed to have 1100 - 1500 calories a day while dieting. i got to 1400 yesterday with just the bare essentials. which means i didn't pass out but felt like i was going to. no exaggeration here. i will actually pass out when my sugars go haywire. i really don't know what to cut from my diet. here is what i eat all day. breakfast: egg, toast, piece of meat, grape juice. if i don't eat exactly this my day is already wrecked. snack: yogurt and protein bar. Lunch: canned chicken w/ carrot and 1/2 tsp mayo in a tortilla. snack: yogurt or protein bar. dinner: whatever we are having in a small dose~ chicken and rice, tacos w/out cheese, blah blah. that's it. now where do i cut calories? and i do know this is a stupid blog but this is the subject at hand. sorry.

veggies

i finally started reading skinny bitch. it's nasty. i've always had issues with milk consumption. i might become a vegetarian after reading this though. i see the videos. i know all the things the cows and pigs go through. i have problems with the rotting-ness that is on them. here's the dilemma. hypoglycemia. i have to eat protein all the time or i become a mess. a terrible nasty mess. ask anyone. the 2nd part of the dilemma is money. all the things that are vegan are quite expensive. and take preparation. i am all for fast meals. brown the ground beef, add sauce, boil noodles. there ya go. anyway~ i ordered the vegan starter kit. i think on wednesday i am going to start trying the vegan way out. actually vegans don't eat eggs. i love eggs. vegetarian then. wednesday is when i am going grocery shopping. this is why i'm waiting till then. it makes sense.

blah

i have actually done nothing but sit on the couch all day.

today

i am crabby. i feel like crying. and i need more sleep. i hate money. the stupid eye doctors took it all. and walgreens. infections should be free. at least my house is mine again. i cleaned yesterday. i feel better about it. now the kids' rooms need to be overhauled. they are going to do it though. otherwise the trash would be overflowing. and they don't love it when i throw away things. it's cloudy and cold. i really should never eat dairy again. it's very bad for me. my fingers are falling apart. all the skin around my nails is peeling. it hurts. see i'm crabby.

girl

last night i told my daughter to eat like a lady to which she replied *but i don't want to be a lady* i asked her what she wanted to be~ she says *a person*. i totally agree. who wants to be a freaking lady? i'd rather have fun and look like a bit of an ass. i told her she needed to have manners though. trying to be a decent grownup.

whoohoo

i'm going to PA! yes i am! *singing and dancing*

mornings

i don't like mornings. never have. i really don't like mornings when something has to be done. like get the kids breakfast, dressed and to school. i want summer. relaxing mornings. i won't have to say *shh your brother is still asleep* 800 times b/c I will still be in bed. or i need a bigger house where the bedrooms are far, far away from the kitchen.

oops

my husband has had a clogged tear duct for a few days and has really been complaining about it. it's been a tad annoying. turns out he has to have surgery on his tear duct. and he has a very large, painful infection. i feel bad for not being more sympathetic. on the other hand~ the doctor told him not to mix alcohol with the pain meds. he has had tequila and wine. such a smart boy.

revalation

things stay in my head till i write them down. hence~ the blog. but i have heartburn so it's going to have to wait